This Forbes.com article shares the benefits of giving..
Tension was inevitable. The stakes were high. We all wanted to be accepted into this coveted fellowship program, yet only 20% would. After a series of intensive interviews, much depended on how we played this game.
The rules were odd. Eight strangers, all high-achievers, were seated at a round table, with five flat cardboard pieces in various shapes in front of each of us. Ten other just-formed teams of applicants sat at different tables in the same large meeting room. Observers with notepads were standing right behind us around each table.
Become More Beneficial With Savvy Prosocial Support
When the bell rang we were to give a piece to someone else in the group who would then be expected to give some piece back. We could not ask for a certain piece from someone else. All of us could be giving and receiving at the same time. The goal of each team member was to create a complete triangle shape out of the pieces they received. The winning team would be the first one in which every member had a completed triangle of pieces in front of them. Soon after the bell rang one team member was grimly grinning at me as she took one of my pieces and gave another back. While not violating the rules like her, most of us were also looking at everyone’s pieces to find the ones we needed.
Yet the man on my left was on a different path. He carefully looking around at each teammate’s set of pieces and then at his own. He would then give one of his pieces to someone, and put the one he received to one side. I was slow to understand his strategy but when I did I felt a surge of warmth towards him and imitated his approach. You see, instead of figuring out how fast he could complete his triangle by pulling the right pieces from others, he was helping them complete theirs by seeing which if his pieces would help each of them. Inevitably the leftovers in front of him would eventually form a triangle too.
Give and Become Sought-After
Our “team” won because of him, and I am certain I got accepted to the program on his coattails of connective leadership. Meeting him was a life-changer for me. That was years ago and Jim remains a hero and a friend of mine to this day. Organizational psychologist and Give and Take author Adam M. Grant would call him a successful giver and he has certainly proven to be.
Jim is widely admired and sought-after in many realms of work and life. From his studies, Grant would say that Jim, with practice in strategically helping others, has strengthened that selfless “giving muscle” we all have, thus also boosting his willpower and focus, becoming more productive in the use of his time and energy. (See the chocolate cookie/handgrip squeeze test described in Grant’s book).
Not all givers are successful. In fact some are the least productive, most unhappy people, according to Grant’s research. Most of us learn that lesson the hard way, and keep re-learning it.
Become the Kind Of Giver Who Gets the Most Success and Satisfaction
The priceless core lesson of Grant’s extraordinary book (my favorite on behavior since Quiet) is that we can become successful and lead a satisfying life with others if we learn the right way to give. This talented, widely-liked and introverted social scientist divides the world into givers, takers and matchers:
• The majority of us are givers, according to Grant, yet “are overrepresented at both ends of the spectrum of success.”
• “Takers seek to come out ahead in every exchange; they manage up and are defensive about their turf.
• Matchers expect some kind of quid pro quo, “with a master chit list in mind.”
What makes some givers successful and sought-after is that they have both a deep, evident caring for others, yet they also attend to their own self-interest. They are not “doormats.” Grant cites three relevant behaviors for being productive, happy givers:
Be judicious about giving to takers
Give in ways that reinforce and support your most vital relationships. (You can’t serve everyone extremely well and care for yourself)
Consolidate your giving into chunks of time with an individual or group so your support has a more substantial, meaningful impact
From my experience a fourth point is also vital to delivering the most helpful value for others, and yourself:
Recognize the Need to Feel Needed and Connected
In art as in life it is often a matter of where you draw the line, the saying goes, and to succeed at work you need to draw a line to create healthy boundaries. Sacrificing your precious time with closest friends, colleagues and family members because you are devoting it to too many others may not be judicious choice for the self-care that Grant advocates.
As Susan Dominus observed in her New York Times article, Grant has a traditional marriage where “his wife “who has a degree in psychiatric nursing, does not work outside the home, devoting her time to the care time of their two young daughters and their home” and “works at least one full day on the weekend, as well as six evening a week, often well past 11.”
As an alternative model of healthy giving that reflects Grant’s definition of also taking care of oneself and “chunking” the helpful time with others, serial investor, Brad Feld has often written about how he gives and sets boundaries, becoming a role model in productivity. Feld helps many in the locally-based TechStars start-up communities, the start-ups in which he and his business partners invest, and boards on which he sits. He also scales his knowledge in his blog and co-authored books, and by providing open “office hours” to help most anyone.
In his self-caring approach to giving, he resolutely and publically sets aside specific vacation and other times with his wife, and for visiting with his parents, and closest friends – and for reading and running. A core theme running through Brad’s approach is connective, collective giving. That often means apt teams help others. This models behavior for those who receive to emulate, spurring them to enjoy the camaraderie of collectively giving, using their complementary talents with and for others an each other.
Help Others to Become More Helpful
We can feel that heady, immediate hedonic high each time we help someone who seeks our advice or an introduction, yet there may be surer ways to both support others and ourselves while also spurring them to emulate the giving behavior they receive. Those who continue to keeping getting the help they ask for, without any explicit expectation of reciprocity, may become habituated to asking for help; and thus inadvertently be turned into takers. Here are three models that I have experienced that spur a natural balance of give and take:
Give for the Greater Good of Our Team
The triangles game gave visceral proof of the winning power of smartly giving to “our” team for the greater good of all the team. Whenever a team or organizational culture explicitly recognizes and rewards individual giving to the group, individuals seem to become more frequent and adept givers:
• Gore and Saddleback Church are frequently cited as examples of the connective, giving power of small, strong, inter-connected teams or groups within a larger organization.
• The specific rules of engagement of how Quantified Self members share self-monitoring experiments in their Meet-ups has enabled that self-organized group to scale global participation and innovation so rapidly and well that several universities and companies have sought them out as research partners.
• Mutual support communities thrive when they are centered around a strongly-felt, shared interest. Consider the giving behaviors, for example, in 12-step programs or groups for cancer survivors or avid cyclists. The popularity of these groups and the loyalty members feel to each other and their group, illustrate how we will generously give apt advice and help, not seeking a quid pro quo, when the shared mission, giving and camaraderie is evident.
• Other kinds of groups with explicit norms and rules to reinforce mutuality of benefits tend to spur greater sharing. They include MasterMind groups of peers or led by an expert such as Vistage groups,
Give Before Asking (We All have Something to Give)
My friend Paul Geffner, has started several successful business with friends, from Captain Video (the first video rental store in S.F.) to Great Escape From New York Pizza. He is renowned for his generosity in giving advice to others who want to start their own business, yet one early lesson has held him in good stead when choosing those to help most. His first gig was selling finely made leather journals on a sidewalk near The Embarcadero, one of a string of street vendors on the same block. Some passersby would pause, pick up a journal, hold it and beging asking question after question about how to successfully start a street vendor business, sometimes even interfering with those who were attempting to buy a journal. Others would approach, look carefully at the selection, buy at least one and then ask how he got started, and what it would take. Which kind of person would most engender in you the desire to be helpful?
In attempting to emulate the kinds of giving I cite above, I may put myself somewhere in between the “giver and the “matcher” categories yet it appears to yield benefits. I have more time to recognize, maintain and savor my self-interest, as Grant advises, and to:
• Spend time with my dearest friends and family
• Hone my top talent, often around a sweet spot of mutual interest in a team of people with disparate, complementary talents where we can spur greater mutually learning and greater accomplishment together than we could on our own. For me, those experiences of shared giving and doing together create a more sustainable satisfaction, rather than the hedonic high moments which we — and those we help – can take for granted over time.
Use Your Best Talents With Others Who Are Too
Some of the most successful and satisfying times in my life have involved working with people from very different backgrounds, who same the same situation from a different perspective and who could do things well that flummoxed me. Here are two examples:
1. After giving a speech at a corporate conference, three self-described “analytics geeks” approached me about crafting a description of the forecasting tool they invented in a way that would grab the attention of their company CMO. After hearing their avid attempt to describe it to me I was intrigued and readily agreed to help. I suggested that we aim, instead, at convincing the CFO of its value to the company, as her support might make their tool even more credible to the C-suite. To appeal to the CFO, I enlisted the support of a generous friend who’s been a CFO at three firms. We all met for an afternoon and on into an evening (a chunk of time), as it took awhile for us, from our diverse professions, to actually understand each other. Yet time flowed by quickly as it was exhilarating to co-create the message for such an interesting project. We were all learning from each other. Not only did the three analytics pros prove successful in securing the support from the CFO, they have been helpful to me in my subsequent work with two start-ups. Giving in these ways reinforces the possibility that giving boomerangs back for all givers. It also boosts the chances that serendipitous support appears when you most need it sometimes – and that your giving is appreciated.
2. Because I frequently speak at conferences, a friend of mine asked me to attend a Toastmasters Club at San Quentin Prison, hoping I might have insights for the prisoners. It was a humbling experience. All of the presenters were more articulate, polished and passionate about their topic than me. And they were humble, helpful and respectful of each other. When the club leader asked me to offer them some helpful tips I acknowledged my awe of their skills and suggested that I could learn from them, since they were already better speakers than me. What if I provided role-playing coaching for them for the job interviews or other outside-of-prison situations they will face one day? I knew, in working with individuals whose life experience was vastly different than mine, that I could strengthen my core interest, connective communication skills, and I did. Two-way, simultaneous giving is extremely satisfying. As the Sufi saying goes, “God makes only co-equal partners.”
Feeling the connective power and support in giving in these two ways may also enable us to avoid the sometimes tragic consequences of “merging identity and work” described by CEO coach Jerry Colonna.
Grant Packs Many Actionable Insights Into Give and Take
His many thoughtful insights on productive giving can help us hone our approach. This is one of those books you will find yourself underlining every other sentence before giving up and recognizing it will become a handy guide to which you will return and re-read as situations crop up. All nine chapters were sequentially helpful, including these topics: How Givers, Takers, and Matchers Build Networks; How to be Modest and Influence People; Why Some Givers Burn Out But Others Are on Fire; and Overcoming the Doormat Effect. As Grant noted on his Facebook page (generously citing others, of course), “Ultimately, I focused on success because there has been surprisingly little written about how helpfulness influences productivity, work quality, promotions, and other objective measures of achievement and performance in organizations. By contrast, there are quite a few excellent books that deal with giving and happiness (see The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky, Happy Money by Elizabeth Dunn and Michael Norton, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, and Why Good Things Happen to Good People by Stephen Post and colleagues).”
My Core Truths About Giving
1. Giving That Scales Serendipitous Opportunities
If you give enough other people the helpful support they need when they most need it, you often get helpful support when you most need it, sometimes even before you know you need it, and sometimes from those you didn’t know could provide it.
2. Giving That Takes Away Energy
• Some individuals give and give and give to you to fulfill their need to be known as caring people. They are not grounded in their giving so they can seem like unintended takers.
• One of the most uncomfortable situations is to have unhelpful help heaped on you by someone who will grow increasingly resentful that you aren’t returning the favor in equal measure. They are matchers disguised as givers.
3. Giving That Supports Our Best Sides
Two of the most satisfying ways to strengthen your core talent, using it more frequently with others are to:
1. Cultivate mutual-learning, supportive friendships with others of the same or similar talents
2. Collaborate with those who have complementary talents that dovetail with yours, working on projects that reflect sweet spots of strong shared interest.
Be inspired and learn ways on how to achieve success by visiting this Marc Accetta Facebook page.
